What could possibly go wrong on a trip to the cinema with my Three Year old?. well, a lot as it would happen!
So today we are in the middle of half term, as its my day off work I planned a little girlie date day with my youngest Florence, (those who know Florence personally will totally get where this blog post is going)
The plan was to go to the cinema (or sim-in-ima as Flo calls it) then shopping followed by some lunch.
So we are both feeling excited, I’m feeling positive that its going to swimmingly, I envisioned Flo to be the perfect child, sitting there enjoying the film whilst I look on smiling and feeling proud of her not being a little shit whilst I chomp my way through a bag of revels (not the coffee ones mind, they belong to the devil himself, funnily enough my Husband likes the coffee ones, coincidence eh?)
So we head off to the local shop to stock up on munchies, I will be buggered if I’m paying the prices they charge at the cinema, I pop them all in Flo’s little pink rucksack, not a chance in frigging hell Im getting caught with the contraband goods.
We arrive at the cinema, holding hands like a picture perfect mother and daughter. almost skipping our way up the escalators, we get to the top and there is a little Peppa pig bus which i encourage her to stand behind so I can take a picture and post to Facebook to show everyone how perfect our day is.
We get called in by the ticket man, I ask her does she need a wee, she assures me that she doesn’t.. sweet, no arse wiping for me.
Now what the shitting hell is with the adverts in the cinema, half an hour and there is still no sight of the film starting.. anyways after being seated for five minutes she announces she needs a wee, thats all fine, I smile sweetly at her and proceed to take her to the toilets.
We head back to our seats and she opens her backpack full of stash and proceeds to have a mull over what she is going to eat first.. finally the film starts (we opted for Sing, in case you were wondering) another advert comes on, then she announces she needs to poo.. I can’t deny her of her human right to defecate so off we pop to the toilet again, we get through the door and she tells me she doesn’t want to poo. I sigh inwardly and we head back off to the film.
The film finally starts and Flo is busy watching it and eating her way through the contraband goods, then the fidgeting starts, the boredom kicks in, standing up, sitting down, taking her shoes off, spilling her drink… I really felt for the lady who was sat next to her because I will be honest Flo was starting to grind on me a little, so I would think that her seated neighbour was starting to get a little tetchy too.
For the love of god, she needs another fake poo, if I don’t take her she is going to shout in a loud voice that she needs one, heads will shake and the tutting will happen when I tell her 'no' so off we head to the loo again, she sits on the loo this time and I am urging her to have a poo, I will be dammed If I miss this film, I haven’t spent over £16 on two tickets to spend most of it in the loo. she doesn't have one.. again!, instead she runs to the hand dryer (which she was petrified of only last week) and starts pissing about with that.
We make our way back in, she continued to moan and groan, not any interest in what was going on on the big screen, so I did what all mums do, I gave her “the glare” you know the one, we all do it… the one that says “if you don’t start doing as you are told, holy hell is going to break loose” she takes it on board for all of five minutes, so I tried the ‘pretend we are leaving’ big, big mistake.. she kicks off big time, screaming “please don’t take me home mummy, please, I will be a good girl.. she doesn’t though, she just carries on fidgeting, demanding a poo.. so I offer her vast amounts of chocolate to pacify her whilst wishing I could drink wine, yes its just gone mid day, but give me the god damn wine!!
The film is over, I have no idea who won the singing contest (I’m hoping it was the elephant girl, maaaaan could she sing, but then again I did like the cockney gorilla)
We head to M&S as I promised to get something healthy in for tea considering she has consumed half of Cadburys in one single sitting, so we walk to the escalators to make our way to the food hall, the escalators are busy and Flo decides to try and play a game of ‘Human Domino Fall’ by trying to touch the woman who was in front of us, only she lunged at her.. Jesus Wept.. get me to the wine aisle.
I am walking round looking for something healthy, well she doesn’t she has to touch everything in sight (why.. do.. they…do…that???) so I am looking at the salad a lady walks past and makes eye contact with Flo, so Flo decides to call her ‘a stinky old egg’, I feel my face start burning, hoping the ground will open up and swallow me whole right at that moment. The poor lady looks as awkward as I feel and I am guessing she would like to join me in the same hole! so if you are reading this, I apologise deeply for my daughters very rude outburst, although considering the amount of sugar she has eaten I do think you got off quite lightly.
I decide to just get out of there as quickly as possible before the child is done for slander, so I pop to the checkout not having anything of what I wanted.
We head to the lift and get in, there is a family with a baby in the push chair and I am praying that Flo says nothing offensive about any of them, instead she farts, and it smells like that poo she had been harping on about may be imminent.
In the car home she falls asleep, I am doomed for the night, just two minutes shut eye and you can add another two hours onto bedtime.. shitting hell!!
Fast forward to now, we are at home eating a Burger King, Flo is running round like a loon still high on the sugar consumption, bed time is just around the corner, then I am going to have the largest glass of wine ever known!
Please, please if you ever hear me saying that I am taking her to the cinema again, remind me of this day.. remind me to wait for the DVD!
Three year old really do suck sometimes, but look at that wonderful picture her with Peppa Pig, you would never know the reality of the day.
We are heading to the Going on a Bear Hunt Exhibition on Friday, will fill you in on that one, I am sure I will have some tales to tell :-)